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Imagine discovering your parents' secret careers in the adult film industry through an unexpected billboard, an experience so unusual it sounds like fiction but is the stark reality for our guest. She divulges the repercussions of her parents' transition from critical care nurses to porn stars, an odyssey that upended her sense of normalcy during her formative years. We follow her exceptional life story, from the flashy highs of material wealth to the lows of financial and emotional neglect, all while navigating the complex waters of maintaining a façade of an ordinary family life.
Our conversation doesn't shy away from the harder truths, revealing the internal scars left by bullying and the struggle for identity amid a backdrop of public scrutiny. The episode peels back the layers of a childhood filled with secrets and moves toward the pivotal moments of reinvention in a new state. It's here our guest charts the course of her life away from the shadows of her upbringing, facing the challenges of broken trust and the isolation that comes with it. The courage it takes to share these experiences is nothing short of inspiring, painting a vivid portrait of a quest for normality within the chaos.
This journey is not just about the battles fought in the schoolyard or the challenges of parenting without the right models; it's about the relentless pursuit of self-improvement and healing. Our guest candidly discusses her descent into addiction, her escape through military service, and the bittersweet realization that sometimes, making peace with the past doesn't include parental acknowledgment. Her story is a testament to resilience, a reminder of the profound effect of our childhood experiences, and an example of the strength it takes to forge a new path when the road you're born on is fraught with obstacles.
Thank you for listening! We thrive on your support. Please subscribe to our podcast, leave a review, and share our episodes. Your engagement helps us continue to produce high-quality, thought-provoking content. Join The Redacted Podcast army and be part of a community that values truth and justice.
If you have a story that needs to be heard, contact us at Team@TheRedactedPodcast.com. Follow our journey on TikTok, X, Instagram, YouTube and Facebook for more updates and exclusive content. Together, we can make a difference.
Send a text directly to us and let us know your thoughts!
Imagine discovering your parents' secret careers in the adult film industry through an unexpected billboard, an experience so unusual it sounds like fiction but is the stark reality for our guest. She divulges the repercussions of her parents' transition from critical care nurses to porn stars, an odyssey that upended her sense of normalcy during her formative years. We follow her exceptional life story, from the flashy highs of material wealth to the lows of financial and emotional neglect, all while navigating the complex waters of maintaining a façade of an ordinary family life.
Our conversation doesn't shy away from the harder truths, revealing the internal scars left by bullying and the struggle for identity amid a backdrop of public scrutiny. The episode peels back the layers of a childhood filled with secrets and moves toward the pivotal moments of reinvention in a new state. It's here our guest charts the course of her life away from the shadows of her upbringing, facing the challenges of broken trust and the isolation that comes with it. The courage it takes to share these experiences is nothing short of inspiring, painting a vivid portrait of a quest for normality within the chaos.
This journey is not just about the battles fought in the schoolyard or the challenges of parenting without the right models; it's about the relentless pursuit of self-improvement and healing. Our guest candidly discusses her descent into addiction, her escape through military service, and the bittersweet realization that sometimes, making peace with the past doesn't include parental acknowledgment. Her story is a testament to resilience, a reminder of the profound effect of our childhood experiences, and an example of the strength it takes to forge a new path when the road you're born on is fraught with obstacles.
Thank you for listening! We thrive on your support. Please subscribe to our podcast, leave a review, and share our episodes. Your engagement helps us continue to produce high-quality, thought-provoking content. Join The Redacted Podcast army and be part of a community that values truth and justice.
If you have a story that needs to be heard, contact us at Team@TheRedactedPodcast.com. Follow our journey on TikTok, X, Instagram, YouTube and Facebook for more updates and exclusive content. Together, we can make a difference.
there was a billboard in downtown Phoenix of my mom, like you know, promoting their website and she's in her like little like teeny bikini and making her sex face. This is. They hadn't told me anything. It was kind of like they would. You know it was weird, but he would be like, oh, there she is, Look at her, and it's like there's my mom. I was like, oh my God, music.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, thanks for tuning in to the redacted podcast. We have our guest here in the studio today who's agreed to come on. She's got a hell of a story. She's anonymous. We got Pamela back there. She's running the sound board, the video board. She's been sworn to secrecy so she won't reveal your identity. I won't. But thank you for coming on you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm happy to be here, thank you.
Speaker 2:You had kind of a strange story and something that kind of caught me about. It was like okay, so your story was my parents were porn stars, which is Unrelatable in a lot of ways. Unrelatable. Yeah, I mean I think what kind of catches me is most people look at their parents like I don't even think my parents have sex. I don't think they've had sex since they made me. And here you are growing up.
Speaker 1:You said growing up with a yeah from the time I was five to about 17, to 17.
Speaker 2:Wow, five years old.
Speaker 1:Five years old yes, that's when it all began, and so they were both critical care nurses at a really well-known hospital in Arizona and, basically in 1999, they were fired from their jobs and put on suspension for having their own website that just had nude pictures of my mother. They were fired because employees came to the supervisor saying that they were trying to recruit them for their new porn site.
Speaker 2:So wait, let me so. This is your five years old at this point.
Speaker 1:I'm five years old. Yes, Whenever the story went, it made national news headlines, like they were on Fox Files 2020, the O'Reilly Factor, Howard Stern. They had a little article in Rolling Stone Magazine. Honestly, all it did was promote it and market the website more, because they were charging $14.95 a month. Yeah so in 1999, this was like the beginning of internet porn. There was no porn hub.
Speaker 2:There was no, that really was yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I mean this is the era of Jenna Jamison. They were actually like friend of me's. Yeah, I was told. My dad actually told me when I was in high school. He's like oh yeah, the reason why we didn't get as big as Jenna is because we had children, or like we couldn't like Travel and Right, yeah. Travel make it really more public. I mean, you know and have, like you know, you're just your merch, like they.
Speaker 2:So let's back up just a little bit, because I mean, you kind of glazed over something. So they were working as nurses registered nurses in a hospital.
Speaker 1:And the.
Speaker 2:I guess the claim was that they were trying to recruit other employees to be in their porn, correct. Correct. So how long had they been shooting it? By the point? You don't know.
Speaker 1:Not sure, not long though.
Speaker 2:Okay, so this was like a side hustle.
Speaker 1:They said the reason why Because they had jobs. Right they were making it around. They were making around 100,000 a year combined in 1999. That's decent money. Yeah, we were living well, not above our means, not below our means.
Speaker 2:Nice house, suburb, some kind of Okay.
Speaker 1:And they.
Speaker 2:So somebody found out about that.
Speaker 1:Yes, so they were. The whole thing was it was like a morals clause, so you know you can get fired for things you do on your off time, and that's what it made like a big hit.
Speaker 1:It was the first of this kind of story and you know I found out because I was about six years old from watching I would always watch, like the home VHS tapes of like us, you know, as me little baby, like Christmases and all that thing, and I was like, well, I'd watch them every day, you know. And then I found old one. I found unmarked VHSs.
Speaker 2:Oh, the old unmarked VHS man.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I turned on. It's my mother sitting there in a short skirt on a late night talk show, like with, like you know, yeah, like it was actually the O'Reilly factor is what.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Which what it was. And yeah, it's my mom and my dad sitting there. It was my dad there too, and just like acting. I'd never seen her act like that, I mean, but I have, but like it's just, it was like her the way that she puts herself on her, her persona. Yeah, like she really plays into that whole dumb blonde.
Speaker 2:Like the old Pamela Anderson kind of Exactly.
Speaker 1:That is the look, that's the look. You know that was the look, that was it, and that's what people wanted, I suppose in some way, or expected Right, but she wasn't like that.
Speaker 1:If you looked at, no, she was, she was. But like I'm saying, like, for instance, if I was sick for school, right, I didn't, couldn't go into school you have to call the school and like, here she's talking to me here, like you know, normal voice on the phone Hi, this is so-and-so's mother. Like, but like you know, and just like, then hang up the phone.
Speaker 2:Well, every mom has a phone voice, but it's like you know the phone. That was the thing back in the day. Mom's got the phone voice Right or she's like yelling at you, and then she picks up the phone, or friends, and she's like, hi, how are you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I remember realizing that something was kind of off, because in my mom they said they were nurses to me. They never disclosed to me what was going on. To this day I never was told or sat down and said, hey, this is what we do. And they told my older brother because he was 11. I was five and you know, the whole time, though, they're not going to the hospital. They had another house, another location where they would go and shoot, so they wouldn't do it.
Speaker 2:So is this after they got fired.
Speaker 1:I must. Well, yeah, I must. Yes. After they got fired Because after that they really like took off, because, with that much publicity, they were the first three months they had 53,000 subscribers paying $14.95 a month Gee, and it just wouldn't. It skyrocketed around. Their peak was around 2005, 2006. And this was the ninth. So like, yeah, and they were million, they made millions. Wow, yes, they lost millions, they made millions. That's how it goes Exactly.
Speaker 2:Easy come, easy go, absolutely so, and to kind of back up there a little bit too. So I mean, obviously they probably and I mean you were young, you can't suppose this, I guess, but it's an interesting question Like they got fired for their business. It was probably the best thing that happened, because I mean, did they? They probably approach the media like with their righteous sword, like we got fired for this shit. But I mean one it's a good story. Two that's a lot of publicity.
Speaker 1:Right. And then the reasoning too. They would be like oh, we were just doing it for some extra side cat. We would have been happy with $200 extra a month, honestly, and we really wanted to save up for our college or college education for our kids. Oh geez.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh man. So at so five or six years old now, this is like everyone knows us and everyone knows your parents and, like you were saying earlier, like teachers and other kids and stuff like that are seeing this now.
Speaker 1:Right. Oh, and to piggyback off of that, oh sure, Did my parents pay for my college education? No, they lost everything before I even graduated high school. So was it really worth it?
Speaker 2:But so what was the question? They thought about it for a minute.
Speaker 1:Right, were you asking again. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:So at five or six years old you're kind of. Are you hearing the whispers and the snickers and the yes, that kind of that had to be.
Speaker 1:Yes, I only had. So I would go to school and I thought I was like the biggest freak weirdo. I was nicknamed, I was bullied really hard Like I was called the ugly duckling and also all of the people. I was never invited to any birthday parties, any sleepovers. I would see all the other kids going and I just never was. You know cause? The kids were told by their parents not to associate with me because I'm a bad influence based on what my parents did, which I understand completely. Why would you want your kid to be around potential exposure? That is not no, that's just not it.
Speaker 1:They viewed it as they judged it as what it was and you know CPS got involved.
Speaker 2:That's just to stop there, that's. I mean, I get it, but that's a little fucked up, cause that's a kid.
Speaker 1:Right and I didn't really know that. That was the reason I didn't had no idea they knew.
Speaker 2:I feel like someone could be in, just you know it. Maybe, and maybe that's this day and age, I don't know. I feel like somebody could be in porn and your kids could play with it, Like nowadays.
Speaker 1:Definitely I mean with only fans and all of that like with people. It's more, it's more I mean.
Speaker 2:But I feel like people are a lot less. I don't know. There's always gonna be haters, no matter what, when you're in that line of work for two but, and just in the industry in general, right, I mean not good or bad, it's something that exists that people wanna buy, and I mean people can be very successful and happy with it, and it just seems like a lot of that's come into a little more understanding, maybe. Maybe it's a good thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Why. It's an industry that will exist and people will do it and people will pay for it, no matter what. And some people probably do a great job with it and have nice lives and save their money and build some kind of a business off of it, and that's great. And I don't know, it just seems really fucked up and I know that's, I don't know, maybe old fake righteousness that people had, and maybe you have to think too and I mean your story is but just with that situation where your parents do work in porn.
Speaker 2:It's like all the other moms and stuff or there's gotta be like a jealousy or there's gotta be this like oh, we're gonna judge them because we can, but really we're just insecure and jealous and close-minded.
Speaker 1:Well, this is what happened. You know, like we lived in a suburb neighborhood and like there was a big community mailbox, like you know. I mean you'd walk to the mailbox and like, and they put, someone, put a paper printed out and it had, like it had a picture of my mom and it says come C-U-M to my house and it had little pull tabs at the bottom with our address on it. Oh geez.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's fucked up.
Speaker 1:And we had to get people calling our house. And I mean, I answered once and I was, me and my brother, home alone that happened often and my older brother would have to be in charge of babysitting me and someone answered the called me. I answered the phone and they're like are your parents home? I'm like no, I was young, you know. And he was like, hung up the phone real quick. You can't say that Change, yeah, cause like he's like. And then you know that became scary and I didn't feel safe. I didn't trust them because they're lying to me. I know they're lying and I was so scared to even say anything because, well, did you?
Speaker 2:really even understand?
Speaker 1:No, I didn't even know what really sex was yet. But I knew that, like I could hear the noises. I could hear, like the slapping noises, the moaning, so they were filming this stuff at home.
Speaker 1:They must have filmed some content there. They had to have, cause I could hear it. But also, too, I could hear the editing my dad would be doing in his on his laptop, and then in our backyard he would be in his recliner and like when you lean back, it would open up the blinds and so I could, like, peek in and see behind them. That's fucked up.
Speaker 2:And that's how I seen, that's how I know my mom A little more discreet.
Speaker 1:Right, I found out, my mom collaborated with Ron Jeremy.
Speaker 2:Because you saw it through that.
Speaker 1:I could hear she'd be like hey.
Speaker 2:Ron. Oh geez, yeah, but you didn't know who Ron Jeremy was.
Speaker 1:No, no, but my brother had a photo of his headshot, like a picture, you know, with like a whole, like you know.
Speaker 2:Like a signed picture of Ron Jeremy. Yes, yeah, right, yeah, how the hell did they get?
Speaker 1:that Because she collabed with him, he was involved, he was like put into it but like since I was a girl, I guess to my dad had you mean he was led into it, not put into it, exposed to it more than me, I would say, because of his age and being older. All of his friends loved him Like he was the man cause, like his mom was hot, I was like I was disgusting and a whore because my mom was hot, yeah well.
Speaker 2:I think that I mean a little off track, but that kind of brings up an interesting point of like male female dynamics like the cattiness, the jealousness that women can. Even girls like insecurity, and then dudes are just like heck yeah good job Right. Like that's kind of. That's a funny example of that.
Speaker 1:Like you know, when I got older not to get off track real quick, but like getting older and being a teenager trying to figure out who I am as a woman or, you know, as a girl a woman you know I would get my dad would be like you're just so jealous of your mom and it's showing I'm like jealous she bought the same outfit as me from Arapostle and like trying to act like she's my sister. I'm not jealous, jealous, I think. Like you know, yeah, I get it.
Speaker 2:Like Arapostle, that's it. Are those open anymore?
Speaker 1:I don't even know.
Speaker 2:Was it Arapostle or was?
Speaker 1:it Arapostle. Yeah, I think that's the, that's like the fancy way, it's like.
Speaker 2:That was a fancy store. Oh yeah, it was expensive it was like LFO and incident and that's the thing too, like I mean, I was spoiled rotten, but I was.
Speaker 1:I know now that I was trying to get their attention in any way possible and I would be a brat. They would give me anything I wanted materialistically, but what I needed was emotional connection. You know, I wasn't. I was completely shut off at that young age like none.
Speaker 2:They just kind of kept you in the dark.
Speaker 1:It was all fake.
Speaker 2:What about like bullying, like of you, they like by other kids was there.
Speaker 1:Oh well, yeah, I mean, I was.
Speaker 2:Elements of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I touched on that a little bit, Like I like how did that progress?
Speaker 2:How did that go? Did it stop at some point when you got older? Did the story ever die down?
Speaker 1:Did the so all right, whenever you know. In elementary school as I was getting older, I would say about like maybe fifth grade that's whenever I moved to a different school and people knew there too, even though we were like 45 minutes away, they knew, and this was a uppity neighbor Four or five years later and this is when they're getting more money.
Speaker 1:They like built a $700,000 home, their dream home, then bought another $1.3 million home. Oh wow, not only in that desert, and you know, I was so. For instance, I had a friend who lived right next door to me and one time it took her a while to ask me or she's like so and so told me that your mom and dad are porn stars. And I would get like so defensive oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they're not. I promise they're not, they're not. I know I get that. A lot People have been saying that. But like it looks like her, but it's not her. This is fifth grade.
Speaker 2:This is around fifth grade, and if you could even understand what a porn star is.
Speaker 1:Right, I mean at that time I knew what a porn star is but like right.
Speaker 1:And so I knew people talked about it amongst themselves behind my back. You know a lot of people wouldn't approach it or say anything, but they would treat me differently for sure. But then sometimes it would be brought up by like one other friend to be like, you know, our. And so whenever, right around that age, right around seventh grade, my dad I was like 13, my dad approached me with would you like to move to Texas or Florida? Because really I don't want you to enter high school and go to a party and, you know, get raped, because they want to know if you can do it as good as your mom. Oh shit. And so that was him telling me. That was the only time that I was told like what they're doing, kind of like what they were taking what they were doing.
Speaker 2:That's a fucked up way to put it.
Speaker 1:And I said, well, florida, you know, never even been there, but yeah, moved to Florida and so they tried to start over completely. They tried to reinvent themselves, right, didn't really know what that looked like, just wanted to get away from the exposure. Because I mean, there was a billboard in downtown Phoenix of my mom, like you know, promoting their website and she's in her like little, like teeny bikini and making her sex face. And my dad would brag a lot too. He would like to show off things and of how, like you know, they would do things behind the scenes, like you know how they would make things work, like for different scenes, like as far as so was he like doing the production.
Speaker 2:My dad was a producer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he was a producer, but he's also. I've just learned this. He would be like behind the camera watching my mom have sex with some other guy, or my dad would be the one having sex with my mom. And also, too, he created a whole empire. He had a whole slew of other porn stars underneath like their umbrella that he had like six different sites.
Speaker 2:So they would make content and he would basically like market it and post it. Correct, yeah.
Speaker 1:He also ran her Twitter and ran her just her social media. He did the business Right, and so whenever we moved to Florida, my mom-.
Speaker 2:At 13. At 13.
Speaker 1:My mom became a sales employee at the local sports authority, making seven 25 an hour And-.
Speaker 2:What.
Speaker 1:Oh, because they went bankrupt too. I forgot to mention that they were $3 million in debt, so starting over meaning like we could have no debit cards, no credit cards? I don't know. That's still a mystery to me. I have no idea. They honestly they. It's hard for me to-.
Speaker 2:Bad business decisions.
Speaker 1:They got really materialistic, really really. They would buy just too much. I mean, you don't need a $1.3 million home. We already have a $700,000 home. That's too big that you pay people to clean it. And I don't even sit in most I don't. Does anyone even sit in that room? What's that?
Speaker 2:for.
Speaker 1:You know, it's just like what is it? What is the obsession with really? I mean it's like keeping up with the Joneses, but like they were the Joneses in their mind, so they just like where they lost all of their money. And then so we moved to Florida. My dad would be like look at all these credit cards I have like a stack like four inches high. And I didn't understand it then either. Even at that age I didn't really understand like what-.
Speaker 2:What do you think that was?
Speaker 1:about he's proud.
Speaker 2:That he's got a lot of credit cards.
Speaker 1:That he like was able to accrue.
Speaker 2:Built his credit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, that, but not like just like the money and the, because they reached a lot of success with it. I mean how I mean to them it was the coolest thing ever, because that was a quote by my mom in one of the articles.
Speaker 1:We just thought it would be a cool thing to do so you know it must have been cool because you know to have a security guard for you and you know you're walking through like the Venetian in Vegas and at the porn convention and you have a fucking presidential suite, you have all these people wanting your autograph pictures with you. I mean dang, I mean that you know they let it definitely they got off oh yeah, of course. Of course, like and God also. Religion was not a thing in my home, and that's how kind of how it was.
Speaker 2:They weren't the church yeah.
Speaker 1:Right? No, I didn't. I like wanted to because I wanted some normalcy. They weren't, they wouldn't, they wouldn't let me go, they like.
Speaker 2:No, we don't do that, so you wanted to go to church.
Speaker 1:I actually was at TGI Fridays at dinner with them once and I was young. I was like, maybe I was young like around that, like seven. I was like I want to go to Sunday school or vacation Bible school, whatever my grandma was telling me about, and they were like, oh well, we don't do that stuff and I was like what, why?
Speaker 1:And they're like we, just we don't, and you know, because they didn't want to get judged going to church. They didn't want to go to church any more. They were. They're going, god's like. You know what I mean. That's how they lived their life.
Speaker 2:Well, and if they did, they probably wouldn't be treated well.
Speaker 1:Right, exactly. So people would come up to us and you know Churches, isn't?
Speaker 2:a place for especially then. I think churches have come a long way.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:But back then that was. It was a place to go and look like you were, had it all together and do it in the right way. Look like you had it all together, Like look at me, I have God, I have it all together. Look how nicely we're dressed.
Speaker 1:And so like, for instance, there was a girl across the street, my neighbor, who I went to school with, and her parents didn't even let them celebrate Halloween. They were that Christian. Yeah, they're in line here. They are across the street from.
Speaker 2:It's like some Jehovah's shit.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, and so, like you know, across the street from, I really had no bad like whenever I tell you like I could do whatever I wanted, honestly Like because they didn't pay attention enough to like they didn't have. They were busy making their money, you know, and.
Speaker 2:So the biggest thing you were lacking was maybe just communication and attention, and time Is that.
Speaker 1:And love, unconditional love Because unconditional standard. But standards were placed on to me that I never really understood. They were all like you know, superficial things. It was like you can't. I went like you know how it feels to get like and I had a girl like, keep it up, I'm proud of you, how good it feels, right? Well, just imagine like the opposite and being told like you know, it's just one of those things that really make you feel bad about yourself and it's like why am I doing wrong? I can't.
Speaker 2:They were harsh or had high standards.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like they would make fun of me and I get. Mind you, I'm getting bullied at school too. So this is through grade school.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I got I did. When I was in fifth grade in math class I got suspended for the first time for drawing male genitalia. Had to go but get sent home to school. Yeah, the principal calls my parents down to the office or calls them to the office while she goes through this flip picture book. Of each individual page I had drawn a different, leaner, like it was like big ones, small ones, like chodes.
Speaker 1:And I like colored it and everything like, and I like had it through it away. Anyways, it was found and it was. You know, I got in trouble. And so they're, my dad's like, pointing at the dick, like, mind you, the principal knows what they do for a living too. And so my mom's like, or my dad's like, this is unacceptable and I'm just like you know like a bag in the now, no, now.
Speaker 1:Like I know, they had a good laugh about that one. You know, my brother gave me the name Weiner Dudler and that stuck for a couple of years. But the Weiner Duder, weiner, duder, yeah but still coming to Florida, isn't that great. Coming to Florida was a fresh start and nobody knew. Nobody knew over here. It wasn't as big as over what was there, okay, so nobody knew the internet's and social media weren't quite in full swing though.
Speaker 1:Right, yes, and so I got to start over and be someone different, and I got treated completely different. I was I wouldn't I don't like the word popular, but I had friends, people.
Speaker 2:And friends.
Speaker 1:you're accepted Right yeah, and you know I. Then I ended up becoming close friends with this one boy and ended up confiding and telling him like you know cause I had to keep it all a secret that my parents said if you tell anyone, that's on you, if you want to go through whatever, that's on you.
Speaker 2:But your brother seemed to have done it right with that.
Speaker 1:My brother stayed in Arizona. He left whenever he was 17, got married and never that's the last, I mean he didn't see me grow up in that way, like. So he stayed in Arizona, so now I'm an only child. You know what I mean. And my brother was the one that they praised, the one that he could do no wrong, so you know what I mean. Now, all of a sudden, like it's on me and I confided in this friend and he then told me he liked me and I said oh, I thought we were just friends, so like, and that hurt broke his heart and then told everybody and that's some junior high show, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:This was my freshman year of high school.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I mean it affected my relationship with my boyfriend at the time. You know, he came up to me one day and he was like, so why did this person say, or this person, why were they saying that your mom was a porn star? He's like I almost punched him in the face because I know that's not true. But like, why hasn't he even said that? And I'm like I had no idea. I was so scared to lose that relationship because of that and I also didn't want him to look her up because that would hurt my feelings. Like, why don't? Like, if you're going to like it? You know what I mean. So I didn't tell him until after we were married. But it's what it is, but like for me, so yeah.
Speaker 1:So then the bullying, though. You know I was called a nasty. I was nasty, I was a slut, I lost my virginity before. I mean like I didn't even lose my virginity, but people had said like they had sex with me. You know, someone even wrote in the back of a toilet in the boys room I had sex with my name and on this toilet they spelled toilet wrong, but never even been in the boys bathroom. So it's like you know, that's kind of that's like more of the ending of the bullying and what you know, it caused an effect of that.
Speaker 2:Let me. Let me ask this so, outside of what they did, so say just hypothetically and you can suppose on this and reflect back on all this. But with the bullying, suppose they did it, but they were really kind, supported, loving, understanding and gave you maybe the tools to understand that. Do you think that would have made it a lot easier?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, of course.
Speaker 2:Like maybe it's not the job as much as the way that they Handled it.
Speaker 2:Like we had kids. I mean, I'm in junior high, high school we had kids with the nastiest, grossest, weirdest fucking stupid rumors and bullshit. And she's a slut and oh, this guy's masturbating in the bathroom and like just dumb shit. And the one thing I noticed is, as you watch people, some people handle it and some people don't, and a lot of that is probably in their parenting and they're raising Cause. Two people can get the same rumor. But it's like if you have the tools, I feel like it wouldn't matter, like you could almost lean into something or like yeah, whatever, but how? I mean that would have made it totally different for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think so. If I had known.
Speaker 2:If they would have sat you down and been like, listen, this is what we do. We make good money at it, we're good at it, this is our thing. People don't understand this and that's their problem and people are gonna judge you and I'm sorry, but like, this is and we're here for you and we always got our family and if they just gave you some of that.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that would have been excellent.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't, even honestly, because Would you say all the difference in the world? Just that's a night and day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would think so, because I mean, I don't blame, I mean I don't agree with the choices they made because they didn't need to do it. It's not like they were hurting for money. They had enough money, they had good careers. They'd really just I don't know. It's kind of like that. I really don't understand, because why risk it? Why you have a family, you know. And then not only that, what choice? Where did you guys agree that it would be okay or a good idea to lie to your daughter, your child, who obviously would be getting affected by this? You're stupid to not. They're very naive.
Speaker 2:Especially when you go to the media.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Especially when.
Speaker 1:I mean, I guess CPS got involved, wanting, you know, got involved and checked, like you know, because it wasn't like they were expecting to walk in and see, you know, sex wings and dildos.
Speaker 2:But no, it wasn't like that.
Speaker 1:It was normal house until you like, open a couple drawers in their bedroom, but that's normal. Anybody exactly Exactly they really did. That's one thing that I do commend them on. They weren't shooting, you know, next to my bedroom. That's what happened when I was in high school, though, is after she got a job at sports authority. She didn't last very long. So me being young, you know I like 14, you know talking with my dad, and he's like your mom got robbed today at work. Out of her Louis Vuitton bag. She had 40 bucks cash and somebody stole it, and you know that really broke my heart, because here's this woman is trying to restart her life, and it's hard because you're making pennies to what you were just used to. You're living this like life of, you know, luxury.
Speaker 2:Why did they start doing? Why didn't they go back to the? Why didn't they? They did in a way.
Speaker 1:They went to Cam modeling or like Cam girl stuff, live sex on the internet stuff. So with the backing of her porn career she had a lot of fans, so she would make a lot of money doing that and so I agreed. I actually had a shared an office with my dad. We both had a computer and a desk and we agreed I'll move my desk and computer into my room so that they can use that office space as her studio. It was right next door to my bedroom.
Speaker 2:So you understood at this point.
Speaker 1:I understood at this point and now I was, now I'm involved. I mean I'm like involved in the way that I mean they were like we're gonna get you some over the ear headphones and we'll let you know whenever she's starting and let you know when it's over, and she would get like wasted doing it. So she would do it for like hours and hours and hours because she would be making, but I could hear the chaching, chaching, chaching. If I took my headphones off which I really, really tried not to or if the song was skipping or the thing died or whatever it was going on, I would be like la, la, la, la, la la, because I could hear it. I could hear it and it would make me wanna throw up because it was just like. So my relationship with sex was very, very weird.
Speaker 2:That part's definitely distasteful. Like a rent a regis officer.
Speaker 1:Right and it's like yeah, and so my dad at the time. Then he actually became a drunk at 35. You know, he started drinking at like 33. He became a drunk after like losing it all and like, but then he got a snap that, you know, cleaned up a bit started a job as a parent.
Speaker 2:I mean like what age were they when they had you?
Speaker 1:I'm almost 25.
Speaker 2:And she had you yeah.
Speaker 1:My dad's like. He's like a year older, right, yeah, congratulations all the girls in girls inedited.
Speaker 2:That's young nowadays 25.
Speaker 1:What was I saying?
Speaker 2:Wasn't back then you were talking about when she would work in the office.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, right so.
Speaker 2:And this is through high school.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, this is high school, so here I am keeping this a secret. But, like I said, cats out of the bag, people are whispering, people talk, even my best friends. I would lie to them too, because they would be like yo. So ask me the question. I'll be like no, no, because she had a tattoo on her, one of her tits, and like so you could definitely tell it's her, I mean, but so I couldn't have friends over too embarrassing.
Speaker 1:My dad's a drunken asshole one too. Like literally going in public with him was humiliating because I'd be mortified. He'd be like so you talking to people like it was just, he was just an asshole, you know. And in that 15, I mean he was so bad, such a slob. I was convincing my mom to leave him. And then they throw me into the middle of their bullshit and make me their mediator, trying then to also get my I don't really know. Like you know, my dad started going with, oh, you know, your mom, she never told you about sucking Travis's dick in Vegas, did she now? And I was like what? And then my dad and my mom would be like, oh yeah, well, you remember Chandler, or that's not her name, but her friend from grade school. He fucked her mom. I was like a lot and I was like, okay, well, so they're just doing this.
Speaker 2:They're just doing this back and forth. They're just open, right.
Speaker 1:Right and then. So this is just like the exposure of this. I accepted it more now because I knew what was going on.
Speaker 2:Now you're in on it Right.
Speaker 1:I know my dad would show me his camera tricks. I mean he would. He showed me. He's like hey, check this out. He brings out it's like a plastic tube with a pump within and he put conditioner and a little bit of water, shook it up. He's like this is the way I can get a lot of cum shots, like yeah, I knew those were fake.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, so yeah, that's really really proud about it. I remember, like my mom was on the billboard the drive I was 11 and we're going, you know, towards downtown, and then he was, he's like I have a surprise for you, and this is they hadn't told me anything. It was kind of like they would. You know, it was weird, but he would be like, oh, there she is, look at her, and it's like there's my mom. I was like, oh my God.
Speaker 2:Like what. What weirds me out more about that is that somebody used a billboard for a website.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's. That's yeah. It's like the late 90s.
Speaker 1:Four years my dad was really good with the internet too, like, really good, like he actually even opened a brick and mortar teaching people how to use the internet when it first came out Like you could take an internet class. Yeah, so he was really well-equipped and yeah, he was an early adopter. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, and I mean the fact that they even he's really good at getting to the online. I mean, that was right.
Speaker 1:My whole family found out. They were innovators. They just learned how to.
Speaker 2:I think it was only a few years before that they figured out how to send money on the internet.
Speaker 1:It was a big challenge.
Speaker 2:They had the internet for all these years and you couldn't pay for anything, or buy anything.
Speaker 1:It's wild right.
Speaker 2:And then and I forgot who did it but somebody like created a way that you could electronically like put in your credit card?
Speaker 1:They definitely were. Yeah, I mean, that was brand new.
Speaker 2:That was a couple years old in 1999.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they definitely. They were in the right place at the right time as far as that market goes. You know, what I mean, If that so.
Speaker 2:So and just kind of. I mean, you went through high school.
Speaker 1:I ended up getting married to. I graduated.
Speaker 2:So I told my parents right.
Speaker 1:What happened was I'd always do like the opposite of what they told me to do, because I didn't want to end up like them. I knew that much. I really didn't like them that much, loved them as my parents. Oh, and kids do that Right.
Speaker 2:Kids will hopefully spot the good things and take the good things and see the bad things Right. But sometimes we go extreme, right, you know. Sometimes you get a kid with you know pastor, you know pastor parents and then they end up, you know, going on to be having a rough life and vice versa. I mean, I've known kids and friends and people who had you know shit parents and shit upbringing and they ended up being like super upstanding, smart, intelligent, successful and moral. So it's kind of weird how we take those opposite sometimes. Yeah, definitely, you know, parenting's fucked up, no matter what, you can be the best parent in the world.
Speaker 1:They did the best that they could to their you know ability and that's why I don't blame them. Like they, they tried. I've seen great parents with shit kids and shit.
Speaker 2:Parents with great kids Right, I mean even as a parent now, like I got girls that are grade school age. It's like you see, these fantastic parents and their kids are just shits in vice versa, like these horrible, neglectful parents, and then they have these like really polite or these kids that just went through crazy shit and they're super polite and respectful and intelligent and you're like man, what the fuck is?
Speaker 2:the secret here, how do you? And when you have kids, you're like how the fuck do I do this? Right, there's no answers. Right and like so.
Speaker 1:Whenever I presented, I was 16. When I had said, hey, I want to get married, my ex, my boyfriend, was in the army. He went into the army and they said you can get married as long as you're 17 and have your high school diploma. So I dropped out of public school my first week of my junior year and rolled into an accelerated credit retrieval program and graduated a salutatory in one year early and got married because that was the deal, he said if I graduated with my or if I got my high school diploma and I was, and I'm 17, let me get married. I was my birthdays in March and by April I was married. And I had a therapist later tell me that's. That was my way of running away, getting away. You know what I mean? Cause I really don't understand why I got married. Why so young? Why? But then it made sense more, but yeah.
Speaker 2:So to kind of just fast forward. I guess, I think you said that when we were speaking earlier. So in your adult life now you haven't had much of a relationship with him.
Speaker 1:No, because-.
Speaker 1:Anymore Right yes, it's gotten to that point, and over the past 29 now, but over the past 10 years I've struggled with a pretty gnarly heroin addiction. My brother is a severe alcoholic. He just had two years sober and just relapsed recently. I mean, he had, you know, 32 cirrhosis of the liver, severe pancreatitis Fuck that's and like in the ICU all the time. And you know, if you drink alcohol again you're gonna die. And you know, in their minds it's us only. And you know it's like.
Speaker 1:You know, my mom told me I was actually in the military myself. Later on I tried to like escape or try to get out. You know, try to save me, save myself, because I was using the heroin but I didn't have a record. So I was able to kind of weasel my way in and thought that would make things better. But wherever you go, there you are and if you have that kind of monkey on your back it needs to be fed so You've had a pretty tough road near adult life, right in my adult life, and it's been a and no longer have a relationship with them, no longer have a relationship with them because and that's okay, I'm actually, I'm at peace with it and that's just for now.
Speaker 1:Who knows what's down the line I've had to accept that they're never going to say they are sorry. They're never going to say I wish we would have done things differently.
Speaker 2:They're never going to say Isn't that fucked up, that people can't do that?
Speaker 1:It is fucked up. You know, I've also. What it's taught me is to just own my shit. Yeah, you know, if I, if I fuck up, I Want to know the only person you can control is yourself.
Speaker 2:Right and that's the fucking weird thing that takes people so long to realize. It's like you may never get an apology right you can't make someone do something.
Speaker 1:And I've been blessed to, though, with other woman figures, because I just had really bad mommy issues. I had daddy issues to me and my dad were tighter, me and my mom just, oh gosh, we just it was bad. And you know, as far as just like the rules of a woman, you know cleaning, cooking, like you know what I mean, just like basic stuff, I didn't have that the nurturing.
Speaker 1:I didn't have nurturing Capabilities and she didn't set an example right until I had my child and I was just like you know. It changed everything and to I see, with my, my child, how that was a big fear of mine too. I was like I don't know how I'm gonna explain that to my kid or if it's gonna come up or whatever. Whatever. But they maintain a relationship with my son and I Can see glimpses back of my past, like my childhood and how they just didn't get it like my dad did. My dad's really great with kids, really great with my, with my kid, but I'm not my mom, just no. So I've had less with like. My ex husband's mother took me under her wing. I mean, even after we had been divorced, still let me live with her you know, and so, you know, taught me a lot of lessons.
Speaker 1:I had my, I have my aunt, my mom sister, totally opposite of my mother, who is somebody that I was able to confide in and, you know, get to Learn things, different things about the world around, the world around me, about myself and how my feelings, my emotions, and that it's okay that you know I'm not feeling okay, or you know she would validate my feelings and she, because I was so used to, oh, you're just, you're just being dramatic or you're just making that up or gaslighting. I was gaslit all the time and Really really like my issues. When I say my issues had issues, like they still might. I still have issues, don't get me wrong. I mean I have.
Speaker 2:I love therapy, though I go for fun because it's just, you know, yeah so if you could kind of go back in time and, and you know, go to yourself at five or six years old, when all this stuff started, and Give yourself a piece of advice that you would listen to, like what? What would you? What would you say?
Speaker 1:I would say that little voice that you hear and that feeling you get in your stomach, trust it, listen to it. I Would say that, and I'd also say Don't listen to them. Their opinion of you doesn't matter don't listen other people.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the bullies and all that stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're the son of your business what they think about you, because Then today it's not. You can't live your life based off of other people's opinions of you. You just can't Certain opinions of certain people matter. Yes, I'm talking people I don't even know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you for coming on.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for having me fascinating story.
Speaker 2:Hopefully, you know, some people can learn some things from this and it gives you a little bit of an insight. But yeah great Thanks for coming. Yes, thank you so much and thanks for tuning in and until next time, stay out of trouble and we'll see in church. Thanks you.